The 2-Minute Summary
Written by two mothers who studied with child psychologist Haim Ginott, this book is the single most practical communication guide for parents I’ve ever read. The premise: most parent-child conflict comes from how we talk, not what we’re saying.
The book gives you five core tools: (1) Acknowledging feelings instead of dismissing them, (2) Describing problems instead of blaming, (3) Giving information instead of lecturing, (4) Offering choices instead of demands, (5) Using one-word reminders instead of nagging.
Each chapter has real scenarios (comics showing “before” and “after”), practical exercises, and actual dialogue examples. This isn’t theory - it’s a toolkit you can implement today.
The magic: these techniques don’t manipulate kids into compliance, they treat them as competent humans who respond to respectful communication. And that same respect translates directly to how you communicate at work.
Why Dads Should Care
Parenting Applications
This book changed how I talk to my kids fundamentally. Before: “Why did you leave your backpack in the hallway AGAIN? How many times do I have to tell you?” (blaming, shaming). After: “Backpack.” (one-word reminder). Or “The backpack belongs in the cubby” (information, not accusation).
Chapter 1 on acknowledging feelings was transformative. My 5-year-old would say “I hate preschool!” and I’d respond “No you don’t, you love it!” (dismissing his feelings). Now: “Sounds like you had a rough day. Want to tell me about it?” He actually opens up instead of shutting down.
The “Engaging Cooperation” chapter gave me scripts for getting kids to do things without power struggles. Instead of “Put your shoes on NOW” it’s “We’re leaving in 5 minutes. What do you need to do?” Suddenly my kids are problem-solving instead of resisting.
The book also addresses praise (Chapter 6) - most dads over-rely on “good job” which is vague and evaluative. Instead, describe what you see: “I see you put all the Legos back in the bin without being asked” lets the child draw their own conclusion about being helpful. This builds intrinsic motivation instead of praise-seeking.
Leadership Applications
Here’s the understated brilliance of this book: every technique works on adults. “Acknowledging feelings” when your direct report is frustrated? Game-changer. “Describing the problem” instead of blaming when a project is late? More effective. “Offering choices” instead of demands? People take ownership.
I started using the “one-word reminder” technique with my team. Instead of “You forgot to update the Jira ticket again,” I’ll just say “Jira.” It’s respectful - they know what they forgot without me treating them like children.
The “Problem-Solving” chapter (Chapter 4) is literally a framework I now use in team meetings: (1) Listen to the other person’s perspective, (2) State your perspective, (3) Brainstorm solutions together, (4) Pick one to try. It’s conflict resolution 101.
The book makes you realize that the communication breakdown isn’t parent-child specific - it’s how most people talk when they have power over someone else. Bosses do it to employees. Parents do it to kids. This book teaches you to communicate with respect regardless of the power dynamic.
Implementation Proof
What I Tried: Chapter 1 - I started acknowledging feelings immediately. When my 8-year-old said “This math homework is impossible!” instead of “Just focus and you’ll get it” I said “This is really frustrating you. That problem set looks tough.” Instant de-escalation.
Week 1 - I implemented “Engaging Cooperation” techniques. Instead of barking orders at bedtime, I’d describe what needed to happen: “Teeth, pajamas, books.” The kids started moving faster because I wasn’t creating resistance with my tone.
Week 2 - I tried the “Problem-Solving” approach when my oldest refused to practice piano. Instead of forcing or lecturing, I said “You don’t want to practice. I want you to develop this skill. What can we do?” He suggested practicing right after school instead of before dinner. Done. No fight.
What Changed: The nagging stopped. I wasn’t repeating myself five times anymore because the one-word reminders worked. The kids started coming to me with problems instead of hiding them because I’d stop dismissing their feelings.
My wife noticed I was calmer. I wasn’t taking their resistance personally because I understood it was often about how I was communicating, not defiance.
At work, my 1-on-1s became more productive. When an engineer was frustrated with a deadline, instead of defending it I’d say “You’re worried we don’t have enough time for this to be done right.” They’d relax immediately because they felt heard.
Weeks to Results: Immediate for some techniques (acknowledging feelings works the first time you try it). 2 weeks for me to internalize the approach and stop defaulting to old patterns. 4 weeks for my kids to trust that this new communication style was permanent. 8 weeks in, our household is calmer and I’m less exhausted from constant conflict.
Who Should Read This
Read this if you:
- Find yourself repeating instructions to your kids constantly
- Want specific scripts instead of vague advice like “communicate better”
- Manage people at work (the techniques transfer directly)
- Feel like your kids don’t listen or shut down when you talk
- Want to model respectful communication for your kids
- Are open to changing how you talk, not just what you say
This is especially valuable for dads who default to authoritarian communication (because that’s how your dad talked) and want a different approach that still maintains boundaries.
Who Should Skip This
Skip this if you:
- Believe kids should obey without explanation (this book is about cooperation, not compliance)
- Want quick fixes for specific behaviors without changing your communication style
- Aren’t willing to practice new techniques that will feel awkward at first
- Already communicate this way naturally (some dads just get it intuitively)
The book is also somewhat dated (first published 1980) with hand-drawn cartoons and outdated cultural references. If that bothers you, get the updated edition. But the core techniques are timeless.
Also worth noting: this is a Jewish mother perspective (Faber and Mazlish are both Jewish), which comes through in some examples. It’s not preachy, but some scenarios may feel culturally specific.
The biggest limitation: this works best with verbal kids (ages 3+). If you have a toddler in the pre-verbal stage, some techniques won’t apply yet. But bookmark it for when they start talking back.
